


See How I Roll

by pir8fancier



Series: Do I or Don't I? [7]
Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-20
Updated: 2014-08-20
Packaged: 2018-02-14 00:04:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,804
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2170362
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pir8fancier/pseuds/pir8fancier
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John has an all-hands meeting on base. Jaw-breaking features prominently.</p>
            </blockquote>





	See How I Roll

“Is today the day you’re having that all-hands meeting? Because I have a simulation—”

“I can’t believe you’re asking me that.”

“Do I need to be there?”

“Wow, is there an echo in here, because I can’t believe you’re asking me that. The short and definitive answer is ‘yes.’ I guess you didn’t see the memo I emailed to all senior staff two weeks ago, reminding them that you all had to be there—”

“Of course I did.”

“Or remember that I mentioned it during the senior staff meeting last week, earlier this week, and yesterday.”

“Now you’re just being petty.”

“Or last night right before we went to sleep. Stop trying to weasel out of it. Like you always do when we have an all-hands meeting.”

“At least I’m consistent. There are some constants in this world. Hating all-hands meetings is one of them. How much I like your dick is another.”

“ _That_ is relatively new. I think it’s debatable whether or not we could label it a constant.”

“It’s not debatable in the least. It’s like discovering a new planet. It’s always been there, but science hadn’t matriculated to a point where we could determine its location.”

“You are science and my dick is a newly discovered planet.”

“A wonderful planet that this scientist wants to visit again and again.”

“Complimenting my dick is _not_ going to get you out of that meeting.”

“What if I threw in complimenting your ass as well?”

…

“Your eyes?”

…

“Your mouth.”

…

“Your hair.”

“You overplayed it with the hair. See you in forty-five.”

“I _never_ , _ever_ had a chance of escaping from this dog and pony show, did I?”

“Nope, but it’s always fun to see you try.”

*******************************

“Okay, I’m going to make this short and sweet. There’s been a lot of chatter lately about sexual harassment in the military. Basically we have an epidemic of people crossing over lines they shouldn’t cross. The brass has asked all C.O.s to address this. They sent me a canned speech; it’s somewhere on the hard drive, but I’m not much for canned speeches. All you need to know is that I’m not a C.O. who is going to look the other way if you sexually harass another soldier. You’re not going to get a slap on the wrist and a wink, wink, nudge, nudge, and told not to do it again with a smile on my face. On my base, I don’t look the other way, and you can bet your sweet ass that I won’t be smiling. You harass another soldier, whether it’s a man or woman, and I’m coming down on you and hard. Count on it.

“And by the way, my no-tolerance approach applies to all socially inappropriate behavior. You’re here because you have a gift of some sort. Maybe you pick up languages as easily as you pick up your socks from off the floor. Something like that. Getting assigned to Atlantis is a privilege. Senior staff spends a ton of time going over your military records; we chose you. You didn’t land here by chance. Don’t screw up what can be an amazing experience by trampling over other people’s rights. By the way, if someone assaults you, then you have my permission to break their jaw. Be my guest. Specialist Dex holds jaw-breaking classes. You think I’m kidding? Email him for the schedule. You turn up in sick bay with a broken jaw, Dr. Kim is going to tell me. And then we’re going to have a little chat.

“A couple of days ago someone thought it would be cute to get wild and crazy with a can of spray paint and wrote graffiti on various walls on base. What it said doesn’t matter. First, that was really stupid, because one of the first lessons you learn when you’re posted to this base is that you don’t piss off Atlantis. She doesn’t like people defacing her walls. Any complaints you make to Dr. McKay about the temperature in your shower? Forget it. You’ve dealt the play and now you’re playing the hand. A very cold hand. Or a scalding one. She switches it up, so be prepared to either suffer frostbite or second-degree burns. Second, there are camera feeds pretty much everywhere on this base. Defacing government property is worth two years in a military prison. I know who did it, and I’m giving you a second chance. Take advantage of this reprieve. You do it again, and you’re out of here and on a transport to Leavenworth.

“In my experience, people who treat others with extreme disrespect, like calling them racist, sexist, homophobic, and ugly names, is because they’ve been treated like shit for most of their lives, and they’re investing in major payback. I don’t treat people like shit, and no one on this base is going to treat you like shit. If they do, see me personally. I will deal with them.

"The key word here is respect. You respect the person next to you because it’s the right thing to do, and, frankly, you respect them because if you don’t, you’re too stupid to live. This is a dangerous place. Ask Sergeant Rodriguez, who lost an eye last week because he walked into a room that looked perfectly normal and it blew up. That happens here. The person sitting next to you might save your life, might use their belt to stop you from bleeding out. That means you don’t insult him or her, use incendiary language, grab their butt, put your hands down their shirt, or assault them either verbally or physically. Sergeant Rodriguez kept the sight in his other eye because the fast-thinking soldier next to him had a bottle of water at hand and washed out his eye.

“We are a team. Look to the left and right of you. Shake hands. Yeah, I’m serious; shake hands. Thank you. That’s your team member. And it doesn’t matter about their sexual orientation, what’s their religion, or the color of their skin. They are wearing a belt and carrying a gun, and that might save your leg or your life. That’s what matters to me.

“We train you to the best of our ability, and all that should matter to you is being the best soldier you can be. Because we’re a classified base, we don’t get included in the stats, but Atlantis is by far the best trained and best battle-ready base in any branch of the military. Even though they hate it, the brass lets me be a little fast and loose with the regs because I make the best soldiers. The old timers will attest to that. I work you hard, I admit, because I want the best soldiers under my command because the better trained you are, the better the chance I have that you might save my life. I’m going to do my damndest to save your life, even if you’re a homophobic, racist, and sexist troll. I expect you to return the favor.

“So, if you didn’t know how I roll, now you do. If this doesn’t work for you, send me your transfer request, and I will sign it, no questions asked.

“You keep your _shit_ and your hands to yourself, do you understand? No racist or sexist comments couched as jokes, no groping, and no comments on the size of someone’s tits or their dick. You sexually harass the woman _or_ the man next to you, then you don’t belong here. You hang nooses from door frames or tape swastikas or confederate flags to the walls of the mess, then you don’t belong here. The first time something like this happens, I alert Specialist Emmagan, and you attend her mandatory cultural sensitivity classes. It happens again, and you will regret it.

“I find it pretty damn horrific that I need to bring up the subject of raping another soldier. That is so beyond the pale of what is acceptable that there are no second chances. I will prosecute your ass as far as humanly and militarily possible. I will personally see that you rot in a military brig for the next twenty years. Get it? That’s a soldier sitting next to you. Give them the respect they deserve.

“I think that covers it. Any questions?

“Great. Two more things. For the newbies: I know that a tour here mandates that you can’t bring your partners because of security clearance issues. Usually the military isn’t very generous with leave, but if you need a long weekend for whatever reason, Major Lorne or I will work something out. I’m usually at the range or in the gym getting beat up by Specialist Dex or Specialist Emmagan; they take turns. Major Lorne is usually in his office doing the paperwork I hate.

“Finally, we’re kicking off something new this week. I’ve arranged with the various departments here to mentor those who want to beef up their resumes or learn other skills. You interested in medical training? Email Dr. Kim. Interested in plants? Email Dr. Parrish. Want to train as a chef, go see the chief warrant officer and he’ll set you up. There’s also some fun stuff. Major Lorne is offering painting classes. Specialist Emmagan is offering classes on banto-stick fighting. That’s not for the faint of heart, and, boy, do I have the bruises to prove it. Like I said earlier, Specialist Dex is offering classes how to break someone’s jaw. I’m doing a surfing workshop on the third Saturday of the every month, weather permitting. We can rustle up some wetsuits from stores, but you’ll have to buy your own board. I recommend the Surfboard Shack down in Santa Cruz; they have cool boards and their prices are reasonable. Dr. Kim is giving beginning violin lessons; we’ll provide the instruments. Dr. Simpson teaches knitting; socks are her forte, and… Anyway, check out the base website. There’s a long list of opportunities on the home page under classes and mentorships. Take advantage of the brains and expertise that Atlantis has to offer. And, yeah, you want to give a class, let me know. Okay? Be safe out there. Over and out."

***************************

“Are you going to put me in charge of Lanyards 1a?”

“You offering?”

“No, I’m not offering. I might be a geek extraordinaire, but I am _not_ the type of geek who makes lanyards. Atlantis Goes to Summer Camp? Are we going to have a weenie roast this weekend?”

“Nah, too many additives. Tasha would never allow it. How about we offer a joint class in Batman versus Superman: Who is better?”

“Oh, so it’s Tasha now, is it? Are you experiencing a serious depletion of oxygen? Why all of a sudden are you trying to get everyone in touch with their inner bratty twelve year old?”

“Not that you need any practice per the brat thing, but if you knit socks with someone or surf with ‘em, then maybe you see a side of them that takes you out of yourself a little. You might them start to see them as a person and not some stupid stereotype.”

“Do you have to broaden other people’s horizons on a surfboard? You know it drives me crazy when you’re out there. Surrounded by all that…that…well, water.”

“Excuse me? Now who is oxygen deprived, Rodney I-live-on-a-city-that-is-surrounded-by-water McKay? Miko’s offering swimming lessons. I suggest you take her class. You could use some remedial work on your breast stroke. Oh, and your back stroke, and, yeah, your butterfly. Your dog paddle is okay.”

“Don’t give up your day job to teach comedy classes. Look, John, the rest of it. Some people think I say really inappropriate things all the time.”

“You _think_? You get something of a small pass, and by small I mean the size of a dime, because to my knowledge you’ve never _not_ hired a scientist because they are gay or black or female or Jewish.”

“Of course not! All I care about it their I.Q. And where they got their PhD. Some programs are little more than physics kindergartens. They have their nerve! Pretending that they have adequate curriculums, when it’s little more than fifth grade science fair material and then—”

“Rodney, work on your filters. It’s really hard for me to come down on people when you say insensitive shit all the time.”

“Name me one example!”

“Oh, let's see. Pretty much an embarrassment of riches. How about you calling Natasha Kim that ‘Chinese Marquise de Sade.’ Nice touch on the feminine noun, by the way. I’ve told you a bazillion times she’s not Chinese, and if you say to me they all look alike I swear I’m going to strangle you with a lanyard. Her relationship with Radek is none of your business.”

“Excuse me if I have some concern about her relationship with my number-two scientist. She’s is _so_ a total sadist! Don’t roll your eyes at me. I told you that she made him shave off all of his chest hair! Can you imagine how itchy that must be?”

“I might be going out on a limb here, but I think he was totally onboard with that idea. The chest hair thing isn’t why you don’t like her. You don’t like her because she banned Cheetos from the base and insisted that you give up caffeine.”

“Don’t forget the needles. I swear she gets off on spearing my arms with those harpoons masquerading as hypos. I do hate her for the caffeine thing, but I know that you were the one behind that Cheeto ban. I can’t believe you.”

“Maybe because you were hiding bags of Cheetos all over the city?”

“That’s a lie. Only within a one-mile radius of our quarters.”

“Look, he seems really happy, so stop insulting his girlfriend every three minutes.”

“I can’t stand her. If my blood pressure is a hair over 120, she enrolls me in another yoga session.”

“Is that why we’re doing yoga five days a week?”

“Of course. You don’t think I do it voluntarily, do you? The woman is an exercise Nazi.”

“Yep, that speech was really effective. It took you a whole twenty sentences to say something inappropriate. Don’t hand flap that away. I’m serious. Filters. They are your friend.”

“To a point. I’m being very serious here. I’m not going to stop calling people stupid when they are, hello, being stupid. I don’t have to be nice, John. That isn’t in my job description. I’m not going to ignore it when someone with shit for brains does something that could, literally, blow us and the entire northwest coastline off the map. If they are doing moronic things, then I will call them a moron. That has no bearing on their gender, race, or religious affiliation. They are just being stupid, and I have a right to call them stupid, especially when they are in the position of endangering all our lives and those of my scientists. The other? I’ll work on it. So what did this cretin write on the walls that prompted this all-hands whatever? You’ve been a super grouch for the last couple of days, and now I know why.”

…

“John?”

“They wrote, ‘Sheppard is a cocksucker.’ It was bound to happen at some point. Gave me a chance to address the racist and sexist crap that’s being going on as well.”

“Was it anything I—“

“No. Don’t even think that. It’s just that we’re partners, you know? And we can’t hide that. We live in full view of the base, and no matter how discreet we’ve been, we can only be discreet to a point. Since you’re the C.S.O. and I’m the C.M.O., we can’t exactly ignore each other.

“You so ignored me after Doranda.”

“Maybe. Okay, we soldier on and live our lives as we’ve been living them, and do our best to not let some homophobic troll interfere with either of our jobs. By the way, I’ve erased the feeds so you can’t find out who did it.”

“What?!?!?!?!?”

“Rodney, let it go. I’m asking you as a personal favor.”

“God, that’s so below the belt. When you put it like that, you know I can’t refuse you. I’ll just have to take comfort in the fact that Atlantis has a vindictive streak a mile wide. At some point, when this guy least expects it… Revenge will be ours.”

“Surprisingly, it wasn’t a guy.”

“What is _wrong_ with people? Seriously, what goddamn rock did they crawl out from under? Sometimes I hate people.”

“Me, too.”

“Um, sometimes I love them. Um, more than sometimes. Like a lot of the time. Like maybe twenty-four seven.”

“Me, too, buddy, me too.”

************************

_TBC_


End file.
